Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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