I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
