so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
