I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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