I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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