I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
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I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
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Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
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