Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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