one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
