Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
