Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
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