there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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