If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
