this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
