Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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