Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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