Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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