ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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