Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
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his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
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You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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