Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
We named our party play list daddy issues
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
