We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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