Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
