when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
