Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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