wanna go halves on a baby?
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
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