i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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