he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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