this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
