I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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