yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
