Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
