I will die if light touches me.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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