At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
