I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Randomize
