We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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