somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
