i need an iv and a liver transplant
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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