i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
