If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
