You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
This is the high leading the old right now
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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