I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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