just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
