please come you make the beer taste better
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
