masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
