Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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