peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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