i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize