I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
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I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
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Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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