You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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