Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
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