I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
