she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
