Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
The air taste purple.
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